By Victor Farinelli
Let’s celebrate the land of the free, home of the brave with GUNS! Sorta like banjos, only different. Episode VI was “all about attention to detail,” Dave Navarro emphasized. For the flash challenge, the contestants had to carve an image into the stock of a gun. Guns owned by real, meat-eating, beer-bellied, heart-diseased ‘Mericans! Where’s my Rascal scooter?
The patron saint of firearms, Charlton Heston, shined down on Steve “does this pirate earring make me look fat” Tefft. He aced this one. I may give him a lot of shit, but Steve did an incredible eagle in this challenge.
For the elimination challenge, the contestants had to do a pin-up “as gorgeous as the real thing.” They brought out burlesque model, Darenzia, to be photographed in poses “as gorgeous as the real thing.” Oh Freyja, give that girl some ice cream or oatmeal! Something! Counting ribs is not sexy.
There were a lot of farmers’ daughters in this group of pin-ups – a few pretty Petticoat Junction daughters, but mostly the “hardy” pig under one arm, bale of hay under the other, kind of daughters. It was brutal.
I am going to take this from bad to worse, and finally pretty damn good, to cleanse the pallet. Let’s start with Sarah Miller. She was “totally vibing” doing this tattoo. It’s not incredibly bad, but this girl has issues: the tattoo and the tattooist. The body on it is not bad but then you pan up to the face.
One: Pointy ears. Pointy ears are great… on an elf or a fairy. Not a hula girl. Now if she was a Vulcan hula girl that might be acceptable.
Two: buck tooth and hair-lip. Enough said.
Then she had to gall to whine about it backstage, “Why is everybody picking on me?” She even tried to throw her fellow female contestant, Tattoo Baby, under the bus in front of the other contestants. Tattoo Baby’s tattoo had some issues, but it was definitely better than Sarah’s. Tattoo Baby also knows how to tattoo an ass on a pin-up! DAMN! That pin-up’s got some badonkadonk. Got some side boob action too. Can’t beat side boob.
Then there was Mark “I broke my thumb before I got to the competition” Matthews. It’s just a big black mess.
Jesse’s was not much better. He said that he has not done black and grey in a while. I don’t think that really matters. The right hand looks deformed!
Speaking of hands, the hands of Kay Kutta’s tattoo are all kinds of jacked up. He got all predator on that shit!
But the worst in show was Lalo’s. I think Oliver said it best about the face, “I am trying not to lose my mind!” It is all kinds of ugly. The head is huge, too! I’m speechless. As a result, Lalo got the boot. I am never going to look at a pin-up the same again. I may be scarred for life.
Best in show went to Steve. It was a good tattoo. The belly is a little weird but it’s decent. The other top tattoo was done by Jamie Davis. I actually think his was better than Steve’s. The face and hair are pretty damn good.
Well, we are down to eight contestants, and Steve is looking like the front runner. I might need to take it easy on him, he may go all out metal and throw the horns at me. Go ahead and try, pirate boy! I’ll get all Watain, sacrifice a goat, and put the mother of all hexes on your ass! Well, not really. I really love goats (they’re so cuuuuuutttte), I’m a vegan, and kinda a wimp. Maybe an unholy cauliflower instead.
Victor is a blogger for Tattoo Artist Magazine and can be found at: http://www.facebook.com/victhortheviking.
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